I Had A Huge Bullseye On My Forehead And Didn't Even Know It

Ever felt that way? Wonder why things have happened to you the way they have? You know intellectually that "everything happens for a reason," but can't quite reason it out? You're mystified, unknowing; but plodding along, doing all you can to bumble through and recover from something catastrophic?

Then all of a sudden, careening out of nowhere, light rushes into the dark tunnel of your existence and reveals everything -- KABOOM!

Yeah... Me too.

Dory at Wittenberg Gate has shone the flashlight on me, praise God. In the 5th installment of a series of posts entitled "Controlling Personalities in the Church", abusive spiritual power and the techniques used to wield it are further unveiled:

Controlling people are very good at studying people and discovering what their weaknesses and vulnerabilities are, so that when the time comes that they want something, they can exploit those vulnerabilities to get what they want. Very often the same qualities that are considered virtues in other situations can be vulnerabilities when a manipulator uses them to his or her advantage. So perhaps the first step in protecting yourself from a manipulator is to know yourself as the manipulator does.

For those of you who are new here, let me recap. I came to Christ from a New Age world view. I attended church as a child, witnessed a grandmother firmly grounded in the Faith, attempted to latch on to that Faith (more than once), but failed. There was no firm root in my home life. I was taught right from wrong (sort of) but because those morals were not grounded specifically within the parameters of a God-centered outlook, I thought of morality as a subjective universal. This was further compounded by my "enlightened" state-supported education all the way through college.

I have always had a proclivity for deeper, more meaningful and (sometimes pseudo) spiritual things, but then there was no rudder on my ship; I meandered -- mostly into dark and treacherous water.

Senior year of college, everything changed. Christ invited me to the ball, and I accepted. Soon after, I became the member of a cul -- I mean, church. After five years, for my mental, spiritual and physical health, I had to leave. Why? Abuse. Subtle, pervasive, unrelenting, enticing, sometimes beautiful and beguiling abuse. And all in the name of God.

Back then, I didn't know myself (something I'm still getting a handle on). So I was easy pickin's for almost anyone who came along.

George K. Simon, Jr., in his book, " In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, lists five characteristics that covertly aggressive people will exploit.

The first is naivete.

Are you the sort of person who just can't believe that this seemingly nice man standing in front of you could possibly be devious, scheming, and using aggressive tactics to get what he wants, or that what he really wants are such things as control, adoration or riches rather than the earnest zeal for God's kingdom that he professes?

Of course. I've always been. My sister is the same way. We just came out not knowing when people were trying to pull one over on us. We always had the best intentions, admitted when we were wrong, gave others the benefit of the doubt, were loyal to a fault, and genuinely cared. We thought everyone was like that. It's gotten both of us into trouble more than once.

When I came to the church, I knew nothing. I was just giddy with hilarious and drunken freedom. I was open to discipline, work, and teaching. I knew that's what it was going to take to relearn everything the right way. I was trying to get on my feet, to understand things, to break free from sin, to repent, to bloom, to meet people and form healthy relationships. But I didn't know how. My new Pastor showed me. Everyone nodded along and "amen"-ed. His words were close enough to the Bible (which I was devouring voraciously) to sound (and feel) very, very true.

First, we were told flatly that we couldn't trust ourselves. To think otherwise was blasphemy. Only God could lead us in correct thought and link it to correct action. We didn't know what correct thought was. Our Bible discussed it; our Pastor then dissected and disseminated it -- from his point of view.

The second and third traits Simon mentions are over-conscientiousness and low self-confidence. Basically this means being harder on yourself than you are on others. Perhaps you will always give others the benefit of the doubt, but when it comes to yourself, especially when the manipulator accuses you of having been at fault or having bad intentions, you are filled with self-doubt and self-condemnation. Perhaps you set impossibly high standards for yourself and yet excuse all sorts of misbehavior in others. Perhaps your lack of confidence that your own judgments are correct keeps you from acting or speaking up when you think there may be a problem.

BINGO! Another thing I share with my sister. I have to make a conscious effort as an adult to shut the self-condemning voices up. We are naturally harder on ourselves than anyone else.

When I joined the church (already predisposed to absorb blame, committed to doing "the right thing", and starving for community and Truth), being told horrible things about myself from the pulpit was almost welcome. It was something I could control. I could actively submit, "fix" myself, and *poof!* everything would be perfect. Perfect like the man standing in front of me with all the answers. This innate tendency, along with my colorful past, primed me for abuse.

The fourth trait Simon mentions is over-intellectualization. This causes the victim of manipulation to focus his or her attention on trying to understand why this person is behaving as he does rather than just accept and deal with the fact that this person is acting in a covertly-aggressive way to manipulate people into giving him what he wants. The over-intellectualizer, according to Simon, sometimes thinks that by understanding the roots of the troublesome behaviors, he might be able to help change those behaviors. He also notes that over intellectualization can cause people to excuse bad behaviors because they think they understand the root causes. We ought not ever excuse sinful behaviors because we pity the manipulator for his difficult upbringing, the unkind treatment he gets from others he has offended, or the like.

A result of the Oprah-fication of our societal consciousness. I already trend towards empathy and truly desiring to help those in need. I want to share with them the way out of destruction. I used to be one of those people, after all. If someone hadn't cared enough to counsel me...

But what the sweetly blind sheep sometimes fails to see is that the shapeshifting wolf will never, ever change; he is too engorged with blood-lust.

The fifth trait Simon gives is emotional dependency. He is referring to a personality that tends to be submissive, not in a Biblical way, but in an overly-compliant way even when genuine authority is not being exercised. Do you fear abandonment or being left alone? Are you fearful of making your own decisions and deciding on a course of action? Is the approval of others necessary for your happiness, comfort, and self-approval? A manipulator will use threats of abandonment or withdrawal of love as a weapon against this kind of personality.

I would also add spiritual dependency to this list. There are some who depend upon others to define for them their standing before God. Approval by spiritual authority becomes a replacement for approval by God. Rather than rely upon the grace and faithfulness of God and the works of Jesus Christ, some people rely upon meeting the standards of men and gaining and maintaining the approval of their church or its leaders. Rather than trust their own ability to read and understand the Scriptures, (or be willing to expend the effort to do so), they trust without question the interpretations spoon-fed to them by an authority figure. They do not test their teachers by the Scriptures as the Bereans were commended by Paul for doing. If a manipulator realizes that a person is spiritually dependent upon him, he can secure your cooperation by merely claiming the authority of God or causing you to doubt your salvation if you are unwilling to do as he says.

I have always been a people-pleaser; more times than not, at the expense of my own energies and needs. This, combined with the aforementioned tendencies and mechanisms in motion, made it easy to let the "thinking" be done for me. Because of my past, I had a hard time trusting myself. Trusting myself had gotten me into incredibly hot, sometimes boiling, water. What I failed to connect was that the Spirit, Who now resided in me, had driven out all other residents; He had imparted me with life-giving Wisdom. Yet I denied His power, unbeknownst to myself, in my quest to "do the right things".

My church stressed and exalted being "Spirit-filled" above many other precepts, but failed to acknowledge its implications; instead focusing on visible "signs" of the Spirit (glossolalia, prophecy) at the expense of calm, peace and rational wisdom. We were also told that if we exhibited mortal flaws, we were not truly "saved". Many went to the altar over and over, to be reborn again and again into a broken system that could not be appeased.

Meanwhile, the Scripture I was absorbing in my study time was illuminating my life. Yet the further along I got, the more I noted how different my solitary experience was from how I was told it was "supposed" to be. Surely this must have been my fault... I must have been missing something somewhere...

Dividing Loyalties
This leads to another manipulation tool, pressuring you to hold loyalties to your church or your pastor above your loyalties to your spouse or your immediate or extended family. You have probably heard how cults will turn young people against their parents. Cult-like Christian groups sometimes do the same thing, though the pressure is often more subtle than a call for complete separation. Perhaps you will be encouraged to consider your family as unbelievers because they belong to another Christian denomination. You may be discouraged from visiting family when doing so prevents you from attending services or keeps you from another church activity. Pressure to participate in a lot of mid-week activities may seriously cut into your family time.

I can't tell you how many times this was literally shouted from the pulpit. And I agreed, until it was used as a weapon against me. I was forced to choose between caring for my Mother and my responsibility to sing in the (third row altos of a 100-strong) choir. I was told in not so many words that if I chose the former that I could not come back. I didn't. I had been a faithful member of the church for 4 years, a member of the choir for nearly two.

An interesting phenomenon that I noticed in one manipulative church group was that husbands sometimes had a bad feeling about the pastor and weren't comfortable trusting him, while the wife was enthusiastic about joining the group. Rather than advise the wives to go with their husbands and find a church where both spouses were comfortable, the wives were encouraged to attend and join the church without their husbands. In time, the wives sometimes came to believe their husbands were not believers (even if they were attending other Christian churches), and began to ask for prayer for their husbands' salvation. No woman should be advised to separate from her husband for worship unless the church he has chosen is heretical. Just as a man may be more easily charmed by a smiling, manipulative woman than his wife will be, a male church leader's charms may impress a woman and yet raise suspicious in her husband. We are better at reading the body language and vocal cues of people of our own gender. Wives, in particular, need to be aware of situations in which their loyalty to their husbands is being challenged.

I know many, many couples who go to separate churches for this exact reason.

Elitism
Spiritually abusive church leaders also encourage their members to believe that this particular church is better than others, and perhaps the only acceptable church within hundreds of miles. This plays into the isolation mentioned above, because members are discouraged from worshiping with or learning from other congregations, even within the same denomination. Christians need to guard our hearts from pride in this regard, and resist thoughts that would lead us to exalt ourselves above other Christians. This elitism is also used to control dissent. Any actions that threaten your good standing in the only good church around may also be perceived as threatening your good standing with God. After all, if you can't cut it in the only acceptable church, what does that make you? If you must leave, where can you possibly go?

I was terrified to leave my church because this had been crammed down my throat so successfully. My friends even joined in the assault. They were convinced I would fall into apostasy if I left to go anywhere else.

Black and White Pronouncements
Narcissistic personalities often cannot think other than in terms of black and white, and other kinds of controlling people may choose not to. Manipulators will often present you with a false dichotomy: either you believe or do as I say or you deny God. An example of this might be in evaluating a work of literature. Rather than see the negative and redeeming aspects of the work and recognizing that some sincere Christians may wish to read it or allow their children to read it and others may not, a declaration is made, and anyone who disagrees is simply either wrong or wicked.

Does disagreeing with your leader make you feel disloyal or rebellious? Do you check with the group when deciding how you should think about something or what choices you should make? Do you conceal things about yourself, such as a movie you watched or hobby you pursue, until you figure out whether or not it is okay? If so, you may be attempting to navigate the broad gray ship of Christian liberty in a narrow black and white sea.

I felt like a spy for the last two years I attended. I hid things from my friends out of fear and NEVER discussed anything casually at church. Ever. Every word was guarded, calculated, censored and controlled to achieve the maximum illusion of conformity within the system. I hid my C.S. Lewis books (!) and veered far from anything that even vibrated of worldliness.

Shame on You!
Most healthy people are willing to admit their own imperfections, and when told they are in the wrong, they thoughtfully consider the criticism. Manipulators take advantage of this, by causing you to be ashamed of your criticism of him or of your lack of cooperation with his dictates. You may be told your "heart is not right" on this or that your intentions are bad.

Any criticism was deflected, put off, turned around, ostracized or ignored. Period.

Are you feeling guilty for things you shouldn't? Are you feeling vaguely guilty, but unable to say exactly what it is you are doing wrong? I think it is important, when faced with inappropriate feelings of shame, to remember the difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt is an actual judgment for something that is objectively sinful. I can be guilty of theft or bearing false witness. Shame, however, is a feeling of being condemned by God or by others. If you find yourself feeling shame, ask yourself if there is a sin you need to confess and repent of. If so, do so, and know that Christ forgives repentant sinners and put away your shame and put on his grace. If however, you are feeling shame for something that is not sinful, ask yourself if someone is manipulating you into feeling that way. Again, turn to Christ and put away the bondage of men and put on the freedom that is bond service to Christ. Beware especially when you find yourself feeling guilty for something simply because your leader would not like it. If you feel guilty for maintaining your friendship with Suzy and look around the restaurant where you are meeting for lunch, hoping that the wrong people don't see you, then perhaps you are being manipulated by shaming. Likewise if you tuck away that book you've been reading or can't let anyone know what curriculum you have chosen for you homeschooling.

This is by far the worst part of spiritual abuse; Walking around day after day unable to feel worthy. You cannot pray enough, you cannot read enough, you cannot fast enough to make it go away. It won't. It's a MAN-MADE standard. It is not the Peace of God. It is the Enemy.

Manipulators will also bring up your past sins to keep you in a place of shame, unwilling to assert yourself as an equal or consider yourself worthy of criticizing your manipulator or refusing his demands. Again, if proper repentance has been made before God and men, Christ has removed that sin from you. Christ's forgiveness separates us from our sins like the east is separated from the west. It does not remind us again and again of our unworthiness. A Christian man who leads with the authority of Christ ought to be like Christ and forgive in this way.

When I first became a Christian, I was eager to share my testimony with others, because I myself was amazed at the work Christ had done. My church encouraged its congregants to share and marvel. What we were not told was that some testimonies could get us in trouble -- if we were not one of the "elect". Only certain pets of the Pastor and staff could share without retribution.

Don't Listen to Him, He's a Such-and-such!
Labeling is another technique used by a controlling person to shut down debate. It can be surprisingly effective. Perhaps you are quoting a book or the opinion of a well-known person who differs from the manipulator. "He's a dispensationalist (theonomist/evidentialist/Arminian/six-day creationist), you know."

With one label the discussion is shut down. Sometimes a person's position on another issue does impact his views on another, but let it be explained why the given label is relevant to the discussion at hand. Surely a such-and-such can have some good thoughts, can he not? Rather than accept a label, insist that the labeler respond to the ideas. The person expressing concerns may also be labeled as a means of deflecting those concerns. Again, rather than focus on the label, focus on the ideas being expressed.

Anyone outside the circle of church property was basically suspect. I was taught not to trust anyone of another denomination -- least of all Catholics -- and if anyone even whispered the name of Gandhi, Aristotle or Buddha without cursing them, it was cause for minor scandal.

I know Truth when I encounter it. I am grounded in the Word pretty deeply, at least well enough to know false teaching when I hear it. I am in agreement with St. Thomas Aquinas (the good Catholic known for his revolutionary support of Aristotle), that all Truth resonates from One Source. I do not worship Buddha, any of my ancestors, Vishnu, Hera or Allah. But I have encountered truth in writings about them. If it were possible, I could sit down at the table with Gandhi and speak with him about non-violent resistance, hear him expound the teachings of the Hindu, and marvel at Christ's wisdom. Because Christ is the origination and completion of all Wisdom.

I personally believe that part of what He meant when He exclaimed, "It is finished!" from the Cross was that the work of all philosophy and belief was complete. He perfected them all into one. They are all united in Him. Do they all recognize Him as Lord? Not yet. But "on that day every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord to the glory of God the Father."

C.S. Lewis said in his "Narnia" series: "If I did not know Aslan, I would be afraid of them." When I am practicing yoga I am in almost constant prayer to God. When I am learning the stories of the gods of ancient Greece, I am pondering the Wisdom of God. All the goodness, morality, and wisdom they illuminate originates from Christ. It's a shame that my former church is afraid to condone that. They go so far as to propose that anyone who listens to anything other than Gospel music is going to hell. Seriously.

Your Defenses
The best defense against a manipulating person is always to get away from him or her. But when that is not possible the next best option is to be alert and recognize these manipulation techniques as they come at you. You can then resist them either verbally--by challenging the manipulator--or mentally, by not allowing them to have the desired effect. For example, if someone is attempting to make you feel ashamed for no good reason, you could state that. "You are just trying to get me to feel guilty rather than deal with the concerns I have." Or, you can mentally recognize the technique and thereby minimize its effect on you.

It is wise, however, to choose your battles carefully. There is no need to engage a controlling person on every point. In fact, ignoring him may be the most effective thing you can do to get him to leave you alone. Meeting an accusation with a blank stare rather than a spirited defense renders the accusation ineffective for his purposes. ... Whatever you do, do not try to beat the manipulator at his game or stoop to his level. Don't engage in detailed logical arguments. He has no compulsion to remain logical and will weave and bob until you are dizzy. Do not try to belittle him or bully him. Maintain your integrity and when necessary, walk away and disengage.
...
Titus 3:10-11 "As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once
and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person
is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned."

I've been getting through this pretty healthfully, I think. I'm attending a much calmer, dictatorless church now. Very nice. It's quiet, but I like it. It keeps me on an even keel. I haven't resolved everything yet, but, you know, I'm bumbling through. My therapy mostly involves yoga (yes, I said yoga!); journaling; being aware of my mentality; actively combating negativity with precepts from Scripture; forgetting what anyone else thinks ("What is that to thee? Follow thou Me"); and enjoying my life exactly as it is now, NOT as how I want it to be somewhere off in Never-Never Land. It's a hard road. But it's working.

I am still very close with some of my friends from my old church. After I left, the lights started to come on for them, too. Things are changing... slowly, incrementally.

Most of all, I must make a daily effort to really know and absorb the reality that I am sinless in the sight of God because of Christ. White as snow.

Romans 8:1-4 --
1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
3 For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man,
4 in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.

And I know as long as I keep myself focused with prayer and deliberate balancing, that He will take care of me.

Isaiah 26:3 --
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.