Teflon's Guide To Dancing Like A White Man

I've danced like a white man all my life. Now I'm going to share that lifetime of experience with you in a simple series of steps. Don't worry if you've got a good sense of rhythm and some degree of physical coordination---follow this guide and no one will know the difference.

1. Feet do not move. Ever.
2. Listen to the music. Feel the beat? Great. Now imagine you're listening to an entirely different song, and replace the beat in the club with the beat in your head.
3. Moving your hips can result in degenerative hip disease later in life. You don't want to have to use a walker, do you? Then keep 'em still.
4. Make sure you clap your hands periodically. That's how people know you're dancing and not just swaying on the verge of a drunken collapse.
5. Close your eyes for long stretches of time. It makes you look deep.
6. Alternate your deep meditation look with wide-eyed disbelief that you're actually dancing.
7. Pump your arms in alternate directions, like the old Six Million Dollar Man action figure or the middle-aged power walker you pass on the way to work in the morning.
8. If there's a live band, keep an eye on the drummer. Whenever he pulls the stick back, clap. Twice.
9. Make sure you give a "Who's dancing? This guy!" move during the bridge of the song. A perfect maneuver involves curling your hands into fists, thumbs up, and jerking said thumbs sharply back towards your chest.
10. Cabbage patching is for advanced Caucasodancers only. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS ON YOUR OWN.