The Breck Girl, Properly Understood

Having trouble with the overly-lawyered statement John Edwards, Breck Girl just released?

Have no fear---MoltenThought is here!

STATEMENT OF SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS [I am as much a Senator as Dr Phil is a doctor.]

August 8, 2008 [Friday night when the Olympics opening ceremonies are on? Release it now!]

Chapel Hill, North Carolina [Sure beats dateline: Gigolo Junction, North Carolina]

In 2006, I made a serious error in judgment and conducted myself in a way that was disloyal to my family and to my core beliefs. [In 2006, I got caught with L'il John outside the pup tent]. I recognized my mistake and I told my wife that I had a liaison with another woman, and I asked for her forgiveness. [I got caught by somebody whom I could not trust to lie to a dying woman.] Although I was honest in every painful detail with my family, I did not tell the public. [I was somewhat circumspect regarding every pleasurable detail, however. I did not tell the public because you bastards have no right----NO RIGHT!---to know]. When a supermarket tabloid told a version of the story, I used the fact that the story contained many falsities to deny it. [Thank you, Left Wing Media, for telling no version of the story.] But being 99% honest is no longer enough. [For the supermarket tabloid, that is.]

I was and am ashamed of my conduct and choices, and I had hoped that it would never become public. [There---that should increase my 1% honesty score.] With my family, I took responsibility for my actions in 2006 and today I take full responsibility publicly. [By which I mean I admit the obvious because there are too many people to bribe to keep their mouths shut even for a billionaire ambulance-chaser like me.] But that misconduct took place for a short period in 2006. [I wish it were longer]. It ended then. [Which is why I was caught visiting the woman it happened with and her child, which is not mine no matter what that lying supermarket tabloid DNA says.] I am and have been willing to take any test necessary to establish the fact that I am not the father of any baby, and I am truly hopeful that a test will be done so this fact can be definitively established. [In fact, I went to her hotel room to obtain a DNA sample from the child but was distracted by the need to brush my silky, lustrous hair.] I only know that the apparent father has said publicly that he is the father of the baby. [I paid him in Ukrainian hryvna---try tracing THAT.] I also have not been engaged in any activity of any description that requested, agreed to or supported payments of any kind to the woman or to the apparent father of the baby. [I did however pay both directly, without having requested, agreed to, or supported the same.]

It is inadequate to say to the people who believed in me that I am sorry [Suckers!], as it is inadequate to say to the people who love me that I am sorry [Suckers!]. In the course of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic. [That's what I get for letting Elizabeth use this as a Mad Lib]. If you want to beat me up – feel free. [Put your hands down---I'm not asking for volunteers.] You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself. [And I'm well-known for being so tough on myself you can bet I have thoroughly whipped my own ass.] I have been stripped bare and will now work with everything I have to help my family and others who need my help. [Although maybe stripping bare is what got me into this mess.]

I have given a complete interview on this matter and having done so, will have nothing more to say. [Now can I be Vice President---please oh please?]