Dastardly Dick Drowns in His Own Tears

Nothing is so unbecoming in a man as a grudging apology, much less one replete with waterworks:

Under fire from Republicans and some fellow Democrats, Sen. Dick Durbin apologized Tuesday for comparing American interrogators at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp to Nazis and other historically infamous figures.

"Some may believe that my remarks crossed the line," the Illinois Democrat said. "To them I extend my heartfelt apologies."

His voice quaking and tears welling in his eyes, the No. 2 Democrat in the Senate also apologized to any soldiers who felt insulted by his remarks.

"They're the best. I never, ever intended any disrespect for them," he said.

The apology came a week after Durbin, the Senate minority whip, quoted from an FBI agent's report describing detainees at the Naval base in a U.S.-controlled portion of Cuba as being chained to the floor without food or water in extreme temperatures.

Once again, Teflon's Guide to Apologies:

1. Admit that you did something wrong with great specificity.
2. Sincerely indicate your regret to the person(s) impacted by your wrongdoing.
3. Pledge never to repeat the behavior for which you are apologizing.
4. Keep this pledge.

Deviate and you're a weasel. Just like Dick.