I've Been a Bad, Bad Girl...
No, I haven't "been careless with a delicate man", I'm just in a state of flux right now. *Bluh.* I don't much feel like "fighting the fight", signing up to volunteer, learn, contribute or give to anything. Period. In short, I'm bad.
While my peeps are signing up to be counselors at camps for abused children, I'm planning my wedding, trying to figure out how to save money, where the furniture is going to go in my fiance's house, what to sell, what to donate, and how work out more and eat less (old news, I'm aware).
Church is a little peripheral. Study is as well. I still pray before every meal and when the Spirit moves (a coupla' times a day give or take), but not as fervently as I used to.
Is this normal? What's wrong with me? My passion is g-o-n-e. I still love my God. I still trust Him. I'm just (Oh, no... I think I'm actually going to say this out loud...) bored.
Ouch.
Now I feel worse. Great. Good job, WG.
What's worse is that MF and I sat down with our budget over dinner and decided where to cut holes in our finances so we would actually be able to afford the (fairly modest and sensible) wedding for which we've already signed contracts. Guess what's getting cut out? Eating out, summer vacationing, road trips, luxury items at the grocery store, home projects, new furniture, many of the spontaneous gifts we shower on people, and the majority of our charitable giving. Ow. Glad I just wrote that check to Samaritan's Purse for church-building in the Sudan. Looks like it's going to be the last one for 4 months.
But something in me feels incredibly selfish doing this. I realize I'm not propping up an entire African nation with my $50-$100 donations here and there. But I am feeding a starving child, getting him medical care, and sending him to school and church. Can I let that go for 4 months so I can pay to feed the loved ones we have invited to share in our covenant with God? Who is more important: the dear ones coming to toast with us as we devote out lives to each other or the poor child in war-torn Africa? Have I been so indoctrinated by socialism that I've internalized a sort of second-class citizen syndrome? Am I secretly ashamed to be a "rich" American because I think I ought to give everything away? How much do I keep for myself? How much am I entitled to... REALLY?
And I know there are peaks and valleys with the big G-O-D. I think part of the reason I'm at the church I'm at (traditional, low key, quiet) is that this is His way of trying me; to see if I'm really in this for the haul or if the only reason I stayed with church (former: loud, big, emotional) was because it was exciting. I'm guessing much of the latter. It's as if He wants to teach me in the quiet place so I'll get Him, all the while knowing that (much like a marriage) things will not always be exciting and *BIG*. We have to love each other in the quiet; in the tedious, the cloudy, and the... well, boring.
I already understand (and practice) this concept with MF. I love him no matter how "quiet" it is. We can have separate interests. I can go to yoga or pop out for a long walk and that's fine. He can tell me he wants some "alone time" to read or work on his interests and that's fine. We know we'll see each other again soon. And we are allowed to disagree -- even fight. We both know we're fine. No one is bailing out. People argue. It's a fact of living.
But I can see him. I can touch him and hug him. I don't have this luxury with God. And yes, I can pray, but I can't hear His audible reply. I can only guess at what He requires of me. I know this in general terms from His Word and from the promptings of the Holy Spirit. But what do I do when the Word I am studying does not speak to me? When the Holy Spirit is teeny-tiny and nearly mute? Do I take the stance of my former church and flog myself into an answer? Do I take the stance of the word-of-faithers who say I need to push the heavens and speak my own answer? Or do I trust in the quiet and keep climbing, no matter how familiar the stone?
John 20:28-29 --
28 Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"
29 Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."
Isaiah 40:28-31 --
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Galatians 6:9 --
9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Psalm 46:10-11 --
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
While my peeps are signing up to be counselors at camps for abused children, I'm planning my wedding, trying to figure out how to save money, where the furniture is going to go in my fiance's house, what to sell, what to donate, and how work out more and eat less (old news, I'm aware).
Church is a little peripheral. Study is as well. I still pray before every meal and when the Spirit moves (a coupla' times a day give or take), but not as fervently as I used to.
Is this normal? What's wrong with me? My passion is g-o-n-e. I still love my God. I still trust Him. I'm just (Oh, no... I think I'm actually going to say this out loud...) bored.
Ouch.
Now I feel worse. Great. Good job, WG.
What's worse is that MF and I sat down with our budget over dinner and decided where to cut holes in our finances so we would actually be able to afford the (fairly modest and sensible) wedding for which we've already signed contracts. Guess what's getting cut out? Eating out, summer vacationing, road trips, luxury items at the grocery store, home projects, new furniture, many of the spontaneous gifts we shower on people, and the majority of our charitable giving. Ow. Glad I just wrote that check to Samaritan's Purse for church-building in the Sudan. Looks like it's going to be the last one for 4 months.
But something in me feels incredibly selfish doing this. I realize I'm not propping up an entire African nation with my $50-$100 donations here and there. But I am feeding a starving child, getting him medical care, and sending him to school and church. Can I let that go for 4 months so I can pay to feed the loved ones we have invited to share in our covenant with God? Who is more important: the dear ones coming to toast with us as we devote out lives to each other or the poor child in war-torn Africa? Have I been so indoctrinated by socialism that I've internalized a sort of second-class citizen syndrome? Am I secretly ashamed to be a "rich" American because I think I ought to give everything away? How much do I keep for myself? How much am I entitled to... REALLY?
And I know there are peaks and valleys with the big G-O-D. I think part of the reason I'm at the church I'm at (traditional, low key, quiet) is that this is His way of trying me; to see if I'm really in this for the haul or if the only reason I stayed with church (former: loud, big, emotional) was because it was exciting. I'm guessing much of the latter. It's as if He wants to teach me in the quiet place so I'll get Him, all the while knowing that (much like a marriage) things will not always be exciting and *BIG*. We have to love each other in the quiet; in the tedious, the cloudy, and the... well, boring.
I already understand (and practice) this concept with MF. I love him no matter how "quiet" it is. We can have separate interests. I can go to yoga or pop out for a long walk and that's fine. He can tell me he wants some "alone time" to read or work on his interests and that's fine. We know we'll see each other again soon. And we are allowed to disagree -- even fight. We both know we're fine. No one is bailing out. People argue. It's a fact of living.
But I can see him. I can touch him and hug him. I don't have this luxury with God. And yes, I can pray, but I can't hear His audible reply. I can only guess at what He requires of me. I know this in general terms from His Word and from the promptings of the Holy Spirit. But what do I do when the Word I am studying does not speak to me? When the Holy Spirit is teeny-tiny and nearly mute? Do I take the stance of my former church and flog myself into an answer? Do I take the stance of the word-of-faithers who say I need to push the heavens and speak my own answer? Or do I trust in the quiet and keep climbing, no matter how familiar the stone?
John 20:28-29 --
28 Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"
29 Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."
Isaiah 40:28-31 --
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Galatians 6:9 --
9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Psalm 46:10-11 --
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
posted by WordGirl at 7:47 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Ah, WG! I think you spoke your own answer -- and not in a word-faithy kind of way: "Trust in the quiet and keep climbing, no matter now familiar the stone."
You know, I've been married a while now. Over a decade. The stone can seem *very* familiar -- and yet surprisingly revelatory at the most unexpected moments.
I guess we should never underestimate the possibility of water breaking forth from the rock.
Beautiful... Thanks!
WG
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
"You must trust in the quiet and keep climbing--no matter how familiar the stone."
That's a beautiful way to put it. You just need reassurance from fellow climbers, that's all. You've got it.
I agree with everything T says.
Stay the course, WG. You are definitely up to this challenge. I believe God leads us all where we need to be. Yeah, sometimes we don't listen. Right now I think He's letting you take care of yourself for a while.
I know there's a vs that says to put your yoke upon His shoulder. It's too heavy to carry alone. Your yoke is the fear of not doing the expected, correct and right thing (I'm being too bold, I fear). You love Him so very much. Let Him love you. Let Him lead you to relax and love yourself.
I don't even know you and I think you're great.
PS... When kids factor into the equation, you're really gonna need His shoulders for you yoke.
Thanks, Karen. Very sweet of you.
WG
You know, WG, I'm not THAT sweet. You must think I'm up here in the Green Mountains dripping milk and maple syrup. I'm not.
I just hate to see you kicking yourself for being smart and responsible. And worrying your Faith like my crazy Blue Heeler does, well, everything she gets in her mouth!!
I never understand where you're coming from when you talk about the guilt factor of your "religion"... and I'M the Catholic. I thought Catholics invented guilt.
God is my soft spot to fall. He takes care of me every day. I forget things. He remembers. It sounds foolish, but take today.
Hair appt. so need to go to my mom's to drop the little ones off. A two year old in a hair salon is almost as bad as a two yr old and a five yr old... both girls. Girls...
Maeve wants to take yogurt; okay. She screams to hold it. Okay, but don't open it. She's gonna open it mom, says C. Yup, all over her shirt front; great.
Get to mom's and there's a bag of clothes from my sister-in-law for Maeve. That's how God always cleans up my messes.
God's your soft spot to fall, too. You just have to realize it's okay to forget things and be messy. I never picture God angry at the times I fail. I think He's sad and hurt because of my misgivings and rolling His eyes at my forgetfulness and messes. That makes me try harder.
Next time I'll trust C's instincts over my own and not let Maeve hold the yogurt!! :)
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