Do You Know The Muffin Top? Who Lives On Flabby Lane?

Ladies... ladies... LADIES. How many times do I have to tell you? I know you're fandabulous. Your men know you're fandabulous. Sweethearts -- LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M SPEAKING TO YOU! Darlings, this has got to stop. Stand up straight. Good. Now, reeeeaaaad...

Forget wearing white after Labor Day - there's a new fashion violation in town. It's called a muffin top: that unsightly roll of flesh that spills over the waist of a pair of too-tight pants, like a muffin bursting out of the pan. And this fashion affliction hits celebrities as much as civilians, according to In Touch magazine's Jarrett Weiselman. "Queen of the muffin top is Courtney Love," he says. "And before she got pregnant, Britney Spears was also guilty."

Christina Aguilera is a reformed muffin topper, often spotted onstage during her wild-child period in a pair of badly fitting pants accessorized with an ample tummy roll. Kelly Clarkson is also a repeat offender.

"Especially when Kelly first won 'American Idol,' the muffin top was the one thing that was common in everything she wore - nothing fit right." And her tummy can still be seen rising over the pants she's poured herself into on tour this month.

And it isn't just femme fatales that shop at the belly bakery; screen hunks can sometimes fall victim, too. Their condition? Stud-muffin top. Matt LeBlanc has been known to top-out, and at the "Wedding Crashers" premiere, Vince Vaughn was hanging out a bit over his pants.

Midriff-bearing men needn't worry as much as their girlfriends, though: the problem's less acute in guys, says Shop Etc's fashion editor Kate Dimmock. "It definitely can happen, but isn't as exaggerated: Men are less inclined to force something. While women will say, 'I'm going to wear this no matter what,' men will say, 'This doesn't fit me, so I won't wear it."

Dimmock's point is crucial. The muffin-top problem isn't about fat but about bad fit: Even skinny supermodels can risk a tummy crust if they jam themselves into the wrong pair of jeans.

"If you don't dress right for your body, it doesn't matter what you're wearing," Weiselman notes. "Unless you have abs of steel, wearing anything that's too tight will immediately result in a muffin top."

And low-rise jeans have made things only worse: Where traditional jeans had a thinning silhouette, hitting at the waist, low-riders sit at the hips - or what Life & Style's Tamara Glenny calls "the bulging point."

Glenny also cautions that ill-fitting tops are as deadly as too-tight pants. "Tight stretchy tops are a problem, even though we always think of stretch as a good thing," she explains. "There's only so much stretch can do: if there's a lot of you, and not enough stretch, it actually enhances the muffin top."

Of course, that muffin top tends to occur just after you've gained weight (that extra hamburger or two on the barbecue all summer can pile on the pounds). If you are a little heavier than usual, you have a choice. Either admit it to yourself, buy a larger size and look as good as ever, or deny it entirely, squeeze into the same old jeans and show the whole world your bakery special. "People think that wearing something tighter is going to be more flattering, when it's just the opposite," says Dimmock.

I've seen you all at the mall, sploosing over the tops of your jeans into the sides of your handbags; don't act like it wasn't you. No -- NO. SILENCE! No... I'm not mad at you. But I think I've been more than patient about this. It's okay loves, we've all made mistakes. But what you need to do now -- LOOK AT ME! -- what you need to do right now is cut up your Express cards and head for the nearest Ann Taylor. I know... Have a tissue, pet. Buy your clothes one size larger and make sure that that cut is cleeaan and straight. Understand? We're going to get you a good tailor and some swank accessories and dye that sizzled hair at least two shades darker. *pet, hug, smooth* Shhh... It's okay. It's all going to be okay... Now wipe your nose.