How Not to Apologize

First, check out Michelle Malkin's post on the Pennsylvania lieutenant governor who crashed the funeral of a Marine fallen in Iraq, passed out her business card, and assured the grief-stricken family that the government of Pennsylvania was against the war.

Here's the "apology":

Dear Mrs. Goodrich,

I am writing to further apologize and clarify what happened at the funeral of your beloved husband, Joseph. As a wife and mother, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to lose your spouse so suddenly. As an adored member of your family and one of Pennsylvania's sons serving with soldiers from across the commonwealth, SSGT Joseph Goodrich, is one of this nation's heroes.

As I said in my phone message to Rhonda, after I learned through press reports that your family was offended by my attendance, I was incredibly upset. I wanted to assure you once again that my intention was not to add to what must be a tremendously, heartbreaking, difficult period.

The war on terror is an immensely personal conflict for the thousands of people whose families continue to serve with honor, and I have attended dozens of funerals to offer my sympathy and condolences to the families of soldiers who have paid the ultimate sacrifice.

My heart and prayers are with your family, and to the families of all the men and women serving the cause of freedom in the fight against terror. I unfortunately, did not arrive at the church services for SSGT Goodrich's funeral in time to offer my personal condolences to you. As I also mentioned on Rhonda’s phone message, as I do with many Pennsylvanians I meet, I offered my business card so she could contact me, and as a sign of my willingness to help the family through this difficult time in any way I can. To do anything that was deemed insensitive was completely counter to my intent.

Sergeant Goodrich's service was beyond the call of duty. If my regard for his family's grief was seen another way, it is thoroughly regrettable. The fact that you have been offended deserves and receives my most profound apology.

I will continue to support our troops in my role as Lt. Governor and support our President as an American. That I somehow conveyed an impression that was interpreted as other than that will forever be saddening and upsetting to me.

Again, please accept my heartfelt apology and deepest sympathy.

Sincerely,
Catherine Baker Knoll
Lieutenant Governor

Now, let me fisk it a bit to see what the lieutenant governor REALLY meant:

I am writing to further apologize and clarify what happened at the funeral of your beloved husband, Joseph.

I've already apologized, but you're apparently too stupid to understand my apology.

As a wife and mother, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to lose your spouse so suddenly.

Don't go playing the wife and mother victim card on me, honey, because I've got it in my deck, too.

As an adored member of your family and one of Pennsylvania's sons serving with soldiers from across the commonwealth, SSGT Joseph Goodrich, is one of this nation's heroes.

And since he's a Pennsylvanian, and I'm lieutenant governor, I had every right to show up at his funeral like a crazy aunt at a wedding and make any damned scene I felt like. It's called "public service".

As I said in my phone message to Rhonda, after I learned through press reports that your family was offended by my attendance, I was incredibly upset.

I was incredibly upset that you spoke about this in the press.

I wanted to assure you once again that my intention was not to add to what must be a tremendously, heartbreaking, difficult period.

Which, as a wife and mother, who HAS BEEN THROUGH CHILDBIRTH, I understand.

The war on terror is an immensely personal conflict for the thousands of people whose families continue to serve with honor, and I have attended dozens of funerals to offer my sympathy and condolences to the families of soldiers who have paid the ultimate sacrifice.

How dare you complain to the press when so many other families simply took it?

My heart and prayers are with your family, and to the families of all the men and women serving the cause of freedom in the fight against terror.

Since I have no heart and do not pray, this is a mild comfort at best.

I unfortunately, did not arrive at the church services for SSGT Goodrich's funeral in time to offer my personal condolences to you.

Since your husband's death is a meaningless abstraction to me, I didn't feel compelled to crash his funeral service ON TIME, but rather had more important things to do...for the commonwealth, not just for one lousy military family mourning the death of a Marine.

As I also mentioned on Rhonda's phone message, as I do with many Pennsylvanians I meet, I offered my business card so she could contact me, and as a sign of my willingness to help the family through this difficult time in any way I can.

Business card printing is very cheap in Pennsylvania.

To do anything that was deemed insensitive was completely counter to my intent.

Which was to score cheap political points at your expense.

Sergeant Goodrich's service was beyond the call of duty.

Sergeant Goodrich died for no good reason, in my opinion, given that the Iraq War should not have been fought by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

If my regard for his family's grief was seen another way, it is thoroughly regrettable. The fact that you have been offended deserves and receives my most profound apology.

If you actually think anything I, the lieutenant governor of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, who has attended DOZENS of funerals, and who IS A WIFE AND MOTHER, was offensive, you're mistaken. I'll apologize anyway, even though I don't have to, since I didn't intend to offend anybody by CRASHING THEIR FUNERAL AND CLAIMING THEY DIED IN VAIN.

I will continue to support our troops in my role as Lt. Governor and support our President as an American.

I will do so by embarrassing my party and disgracing the antiwar movement through continued crass, heartless, unpatriotic behavior, stupid pronouncements, unspeakable rudeness, and faux, weasel-worded non-apologies.

That I somehow conveyed an impression that was interpreted as other than that will forever be saddening and upsetting to me.

Your ears must have been stuffed with tissue or something since you clearly misunderstood me. Or maybe you're just hypersensitive right now. Now, there---you've gone and made me sad and upset. Probably forever. Happy now?

Again, please accept my heartfelt apology and deepest sympathy.

Assuming you've correctly interpreted "heartfelt" and "deepest" to mean "insincere" and "politically-motivated" respectively.


This woman is a loathsome toad who ought to be driven from office like the dirtbag she is. Thank God America produces men like Sgt Joseph Goodrich, men as good and noble as she is foul and base.

Update:

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