Speechless

Fell asleep Sunday night while trying to watch another Kurosawa film -- not that I don't love me some Akira, I was just tired after the kayaking and all. Shuffled to the bedroom to retire and found a notice on my mobile that I had a voice mail. It was from a close friend, who rarely calls. Usually, I turn off the phone and let it lie until the morning. This felt different though. Something begged me to check it.

Oh, God...

"Are you okay, hon?"

Tears, "Yeah... It could be nothing, it could be something. I don't know. But I've been bleeding since yesterday."

I inhaled and held my breath, "Is Adam there, sweetie?"

"Yeah..." sniffle, "He was supposed to go out of town, but decided to stay home after it started." Almost howling, "I don't want to go to the emergency room 'cuz they don't know what they're doing over there and they might tell me something that's not true. So my doctor just asked me to come in tomorrow for an ultrasound."

Me, fighting back tears, "Okay... do you need anything?"

"Just prayer."

"Okay." Me, stammering for words, "Well I'm gonna' go now 'cause I don't know what to say... We'll pray. And if you need anything, I'm right down the street, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you, hon."

"Love you, too."

"It's gonna' be okay, okay?"

"Okay..."


But it's not okay.

Despite the huddle Tef and I got in as soon as I hung up; despite the Rosary; despite the chain of phonecalls and prayers to various friends; it didn't turn out the way we wanted.

My BFF and I traded emails all day Monday after we heard the news. All I could do was sit at my desk and cry. I fasted for her yesterday because I knew she had to go for the D&C. I made her favorite ice cream last night, my BFF made her favorite dish. We're visiting the family tonight.

I feel as if I'm going to a funeral. And I'm so, so sad... I cannot even explain how I feel. It was only 8 weeks, but it feels like... I don't know, a dream denied. I know it's all in God's hands and the ultrasound showed some mortal flaws had been present at 5 weeks. I know women go through this all the time... But it doesn't make it any easier.

We'll move on. They'll move on. Everything will be okay. In the meantime, we're going to shoulder each other. And hug their one-year-old tightly. And care for them. And pray.

This Saturday night, after 5:30 Mass, my church is saying the Rosary for an end to abortion, euthanasia, and the culture of death. I was already planning on going, but now will surely pray with more urgency. The death of this wanted child has wrought so much pain and made so many souls so heavy; I cannot imagine the spiritual effects of the death of an unwanted child. For those who have aborted and then realized its gravity, it is certainly truly horrifying in its pain and shame. And for those who have not yet realized the implications of their act, the state of their souls must be such that glacial tundra cannot compare in numbness.

I will pray on my knees to God the Father for the children who have been taken; the souls of those afflicted by their monstrous choices; the souls of those numbed by sin; and an end to the culture of death. I will ask that He grant our request to put an end to this horror. I will also ask Mary to pray with me and petition her Son for me. Christ's mother can surely relate to this. I will ask all of this in Jesus' name. And I will probably cry. A lot.

But I cannot tell my friend what I'm doing. She doesn't know I'm a Catholic candidate. No one does. And if she finds out, she'll probably not speak to me for awhile. Maybe forever. I don't know. I hope not. But I know she will think how I've prayed is wrong. Even if it works.

Romans 8:22-39 --

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died -- more than that, who was raised to life -- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.