Everything I Know I Learned from "The Rockford Files"
All the wisdom in the world as leeched from a Stephen J. Cannell 70s detective show:
1. A man needs only 5 sportcoats, 3 shirts, 3 slacks, 1 pair of shoes, 1 belt, and zero ties in his wardrobe.
2. Only smoke when you're lying.
3. The bigger the car, the more evil you are.
4. Grown men can be knocked unconcious instantly merely by being hit between the shoulder blades with a hard object.
5. There are a lot of New Yorkers in LA.
6. Don't bother locking your trailer---they'll only get in anyway.
7. Own a gun, but never use it.
8. Autobody repair is typically same-day service.
9. No one will ever pay for expenses even when you itemize them.
10. Your chief source of ironic amusement is your answering machine.
11. Your old man will always assume the worst even though you were eventually pardoned for the crime you did five years' time for.
12. Never under any circumstances do a favor for an old friend. This goes double for Army buddies.
13. The police exist primarily to keep private detectives from solving cases.
14. Don't bother wearing that seatbelt---it will only stop you from dramatically rolling out of the car before it goes over the edge of the cliff.
15. Fortunately only rental cars and bad guys' big gas-guzzlers ever get totaled in this fashion.
16. Don't attempt to cut yourself in on your clients' shady deals---they never work out and you'll never see the money.
17. Never trust small-town sheriffs.
18. When you suspect you're being tailed, a good strategy is to call in the car tailing you as a stolen vehicle, thus allowing the police to take a break from hassling PIs to peel the car tailing you off.
19. Never trust anyone wearing a suit, unless it's a three-piece suit. (The Becker Rule)
20. When getting roughed up, it's best to use barbed zingers if they're only going to cut your eye or your lip; if they're going to punch you in the belly, however, it's game over as one good body shot tends to knock you unconcious.
21. Car alarms are unnecessary so long as you're reasonably proficient in stopping your car safely when the brake lines have been cut.
22. Do a lot of your work for free---you'll never see $200-a-day-plus-expenses anyway.
23. Don't listen to your old man---if you stopped putting yourself and everyone around you in danger, what fun would that be?
24. If you've got a buddy who's a police sergeant, he'll do anything you want despite department policy so long as you give him the occasional Lakers ticket and let him grouse in a good-natured way first.
25. Despite this, he will always tend to believe you committed the crimes you occasionally get framed for by guys in two-piece suits driving big gas-guzzlers while smoking.
1. A man needs only 5 sportcoats, 3 shirts, 3 slacks, 1 pair of shoes, 1 belt, and zero ties in his wardrobe.
2. Only smoke when you're lying.
3. The bigger the car, the more evil you are.
4. Grown men can be knocked unconcious instantly merely by being hit between the shoulder blades with a hard object.
5. There are a lot of New Yorkers in LA.
6. Don't bother locking your trailer---they'll only get in anyway.
7. Own a gun, but never use it.
8. Autobody repair is typically same-day service.
9. No one will ever pay for expenses even when you itemize them.
10. Your chief source of ironic amusement is your answering machine.
11. Your old man will always assume the worst even though you were eventually pardoned for the crime you did five years' time for.
12. Never under any circumstances do a favor for an old friend. This goes double for Army buddies.
13. The police exist primarily to keep private detectives from solving cases.
14. Don't bother wearing that seatbelt---it will only stop you from dramatically rolling out of the car before it goes over the edge of the cliff.
15. Fortunately only rental cars and bad guys' big gas-guzzlers ever get totaled in this fashion.
16. Don't attempt to cut yourself in on your clients' shady deals---they never work out and you'll never see the money.
17. Never trust small-town sheriffs.
18. When you suspect you're being tailed, a good strategy is to call in the car tailing you as a stolen vehicle, thus allowing the police to take a break from hassling PIs to peel the car tailing you off.
19. Never trust anyone wearing a suit, unless it's a three-piece suit. (The Becker Rule)
20. When getting roughed up, it's best to use barbed zingers if they're only going to cut your eye or your lip; if they're going to punch you in the belly, however, it's game over as one good body shot tends to knock you unconcious.
21. Car alarms are unnecessary so long as you're reasonably proficient in stopping your car safely when the brake lines have been cut.
22. Do a lot of your work for free---you'll never see $200-a-day-plus-expenses anyway.
23. Don't listen to your old man---if you stopped putting yourself and everyone around you in danger, what fun would that be?
24. If you've got a buddy who's a police sergeant, he'll do anything you want despite department policy so long as you give him the occasional Lakers ticket and let him grouse in a good-natured way first.
25. Despite this, he will always tend to believe you committed the crimes you occasionally get framed for by guys in two-piece suits driving big gas-guzzlers while smoking.
posted by Teflon at 6:00 PM
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